Gentle Parenting vs. Permissive Parenting

Gentle Parenting

Parents set clear and consistent rules and boundaries. They use natural consequences and help kids process big feelings while still setting boundaries. They are calm but firm and typically remain consistent.

Permissive Parenting

Parents often avoid setting or enforcing boundaries altogether. They tend to avoid conflict by giving in or helping kids avoid repercussions. They might focus more on comforting in the moment, even if it means letting the rules slide. They often lack follow-through, or the rules may change depending on the day (or behavior).

So, Is Gentle Parenting Really Spoiling Kids?

The concern that gentle parenting might spoil kids isn’t new—especially in online parenting discourse where videos of parents calmly narrating a tantrum or negotiating with a preschooler tend to go viral. Critics argue that kids raised this way don’t hear “no” enough, don’t learn to deal with disappointment, and might grow up entitled.

But is there any actual evidence that this happens? Not really—at least, not when gentle parenting is practiced as intended. According to child development and behavioral health specialist and licensed psychologist Kate Norwalk, PhD, it’s hard to say definitively whether or not gentle parenting affects how entitled children become, as there is no empirical research on this specific approach.

Many of the strategies used in gentle parenting are very effective for helping a child manage their emotions and behaviors and build resilience and emotional intelligence. Gentle parenting borrows many of its ideas from other parenting approaches, such as authoritative parenting and emotion coaching, which have been extensively researched for their positive effects on children’s social, emotional, and behavioral development.

Dr. Spivey-Rita adds that, if anything, gentle parenting is setting kids up for success: “It’s giving them the tools that they’ll need to be able to effectively navigate the world,” she says. “It helps them learn about themselves. It helps them learn about others [and] get a sense of how the world works.”

The Link Between Gentle Parenting Practices and Secure Attachment

One of the major concerns critics raise is that gentle parenting can lead to children who struggle to regulate their emotions. If parents are constantly stepping in to soothe or explain, the thinking goes, kids may not learn to manage their feelings or tolerate discomfort. But that argument doesn’t hold up when we look at how gentle parenting actually supports emotional development—especially when it’s practiced consistently and in age-appropriate ways.

Because gentle parenting involves empathy, mindfulness, and emotional responsiveness, it sets the stage for a secure attachment between children and their parents, which research shows comes with an array of benefits.

There’s a large body of research demonstrating the positive effects of secure attachment for children,” says Dr. Spivey-Rita. “It helps them with their emotion regulation, helps their social skill development [and] helps them be more confident [and] resilient. There’s just a long list of positive effects of secure attachment, which I think is the goal of gentle parenting.”

Finding Balance in Gentle Parenting

Even among supporters of gentle parenting, there’s growing recognition that it can be hard to get right—and even harder to sustain, especially when life gets stressful. The key to successful gentle parenting, says Dr. Norwalk, is to validate a child’s emotions while still setting boundaries and consequences for their behavior.

“Boundaries help children feel safe by making things more consistent and predictable,” she says. “I encourage parents to communicate to their children that all emotions, but not all behaviors, are ok. [For example], ‘It is ok to be angry, but it is not ok to hit or throw toys when you are angry.’”

Dr. Spivey-Rita explains, “It’s not realistic for an adult to expect a young child to be able to notice their emotions and then effectively regulate [them] because they haven’t learned that yet. And so gentle parenting comes in with scaffolding that skill.”

For example, she says that if a child seems frustrated, you can say, “I can tell that your body looks really tense right now; you sound like you’re frustrated.” By giving the name and acknowledging the sensation, you’re helping your child learn and understand what they’re feeling. From there, you can teach your child what’s okay and what’s not okay in terms of expressing that particular emotion.

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