Top Ways to Overcome Parenting Traditions

Breaking Harmful Generational Parenting Norms: A Guide to Becoming a Cycle Breaker

No matter how much you swore you’d never do it, an emotional moment with your child can bring some all too familiar words out of you: “Because I said so!” and, “Don’t make me come back there!” Using phrases like these with your kids can bring back some not so nice memories from your own childhood and send you down a shame spiral. Despite our efforts, it’s hard to break some generational parenting norms.

Understanding the Impact of Generational Parenting Norms

“If you ever found yourself scolding your children with the same words and phrases as your parents used with you, you are not alone,” explains Tawnie Putignano, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker with Thriveworks. “Love it or hate it, the way our parents raised us will show up in the ways we raise our own children.” Understanding generational norms in parenting is crucial, which is why Putignano and other mental health experts believe calling out some of the most damaging ones is important.

Reddit Users Sound Off About Damaging Parenting Norms

“What’s one ‘normal’ parenting rule you secretly think is emotionally damaging AF?” asked a user in a since-deleted post on AskReddit. The commenters didn’t hold back: “Constant teasing. My dad and brother were horrible for it—not mean necessarily, but just constant. I think that’s why I try not to show emotion about anything,” writes one commenter. “Using anything a parent has done for you against you. My kids didn’t ask to be here, I’m not going to throw in their face constantly ‘what I gave up,’—makes a kid feel pretty crappy,” replies someone else.

Breaking the Cycle of Harmful Parenting Norms

Mental health experts share tips to help you become a cycle breaker:

Avoid a ‘mini-me’ mindset While sweet matching holiday outfits are cute if everyone is on board, Granahan stresses that kids aren’t mini versions of their parents (or mini-adults, period). “Just like you aren’t a duplicate of your parents, your children aren’t a duplicate of you,” Granahan says. “They were born with their own personality, gifts, and sensitivities. Learn who they are. Be curious about them. Allow them to find out who they are before you assign them an identity based on your own experience.”

Pause before reacting “When you feel triggered by your child, take a moment to notice what is coming up before you react,” Dr. Guarnotta suggests. “Ask yourself questions like, ‘Am I repeating something that I heard or saw growing up?'” Dr. Guarnotta points out that introducing a pause lets you choose your response rather than defaulting to the familiar.

Practice reflective parenting If you blew past the pause, you can still reflect on initial reactions and any data they reveal. “After a tough moment with your child, ask yourself, ‘What did I feel just now? Where might that reaction come from?'” Dr. Khan says. “This builds awareness of old patterns and gives you the power to choose differently next time.” Dr. Guarnotta recommends getting curious about triggers. For instance, perhaps you feel triggered when a child leaves a mess or cries. Maybe you’re unsure if your reactions are bigger than the moment warrants. “Often, our biggest triggers are tied to early childhood wounds,” Dr. Guarnotta says. “Understanding your own triggers helps you respond more intentionally to your children.”

Reframe ‘soft’ parenting Modern strategies, such as gentle parenting, have gained a reputation for being overly permissive. However, that’s not always the case, and Dr. Guarnotta encourages parents to reframe “soft” parenting as “strong” parenting. “Gentle parenting often gets a bad wrap, but the truth is that empathy, boundaries, and emotional validation are not signs of weakness,” Dr. Guarnotta says. “They require patience, self-awareness, and coping skills. Shifting the way that you think about parenting can help you stay focused when others question your approach or your inner critic kicks in.”

Repair after rupture “All parents lose their temper at times—but what matters most is what happens afterward,” Dr. Khan says. “Repair teaches children that relationships can survive conflict and that their feelings matter.” Dr. Khan suggests apologizing sincerely, naming your emotions, and validating your child’s feelings. Example: “I was frustrated earlier and I yelled. That wasn’t fair to you, and I’m sorry. Your feelings are important to me.”

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