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Why Having a Second Child Can Be Challenging

Many parents worry about having a second child, not only are they concerned about the responsibility that a second child may bring, but parents also worry that they may not love their second child as much as their first. After forming such an intense bond with their first baby, some parents might wonder how their second child could ever compare.

Nearly 80% of families in the U.S. have more than one child. So why does it seem that many parents struggle with this? Here, we break down four common reasons why parents might feel this way.

The Newborn Phase Is Tricky

Few things can prepare a parent for the newborn phase. Even if you’ve done it before, adding another child to the mix while your first is still a baby is challenging. Adults and little ones have big feelings all around, and they’re only exacerbated when you’re short on sleep.

After all, when you have your first child your entire world changes and you have to learn to sacrifice and become selfless in order to care for that child properly. Most of the time, this sacrifice bonds you with that child. However, with your second child you’re already accustomed to the shift in your worldview and that makes it feel like you are not bonding with them.

You Need More Time

Most parents just need more time to get to know their child before bonding with them. Consider it this way: you’ve known your first-born for at least a year now and have had all that time to get to know them and bond—perhaps you just need to have time with your second child as well.

Remember that you don’t really know their personality yet, and it may take time for that to shine through. Once they begin to show their interests and converse with you, then you’ll be able to get to know them better and the bond will likely strengthen.

Both Children Are Too Young

Going from one to two was more challenging for me, personally—and I stress the word personally. “Going from one to two can be hard, especially when the oldest is still a toddler,” says Holly Schiff, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist with South County Psychiatry. “That can play into these types of feelings, especially as you find yourself exhausted from the demands of parenting at that age.”

Having two kids that are both very young can make parenting extremely challenging. Your toddler might feel left out when you have to attend to the needs of the baby and you can’t leave either child unsupervised. You might have to rely on childcare just to get by which could create financial strain and anxiety.

They’re Different From Each Other

Your kids also won’t be a carbon copy of one another, and there’s no official blueprint for how to love a child. My first was easygoing. My second definitely had a shorter fuse—neither is abnormal nor “wrong.” But over the last 15 months, I’ve found I bond with my kids differently. One loves to cuddle. The other wants to be chased around endlessly. Schiff says this is not only normal—it’s laying the foundation to see your kids as separate but equally great little humans.

“It almost makes you a better parent because it allows you to see your children as individuals and see each of the relationships as unique and special in their own ways,” Dr. Schiff says. “There is room in a parent’s heart for both children, and you love them both, each in their own special way.”

When To Seek Help

Ultimately, children deserve to be loved, not cast aside or considered second-rate. Dr. Schiff suggests any parent feeling this way should give themselves grace while also remembering they are the adults in the room. We, as parents, have to manage our own feelings.

“If a parent finds that their feelings are significantly interfering with their ability to care for and connect with the child, that is the point at which I would say they need to be addressed for the sake of the child. They should also be sure to not keep these thoughts or feelings to themselves, and they should be able to speak with their [partner] about what they’re feeling. It helps to have that emotional support.”

A therapist can also help you sort out your emotions and cope with this major life change. Don’t shame yourself for your feelings, but be sure to express them in a healthy way that gives your children the love and grace they deserve, too.

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